Awards... another fun distraction in my 2WW

Thank you so much to Carlia at Nest Building 101... she's an adorably stylish blogger with lots of wonderful ideas and a gorgeous little boy after dealing with IF... she's been with me as a great blogging friend for so long... love her gorgeous posts and words of advise and support.

This is the second award that she's given me and I feel honoured that she's thought of me again... and I thought this might be a fun way to pass some of my 2WW.  Here's how it works :

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you in a post with a link to their site
2. In the same post share seven completely random facts about yourself
3. Nominate 15 fellow bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award
4. Add an image of the Versatile Blogger Award
5. Include this set of rules                                                     
6. Inform each nominated blogger of their nomination by posting a comment on each of  their blogs

Here are 7 completely random facts about me :

1. I love gadgets... and recently got an iPad, plus now have a little gadget to connect my DSLR (one of my great loves) directly to it.. having fun with it
2. There's only 3 months to my 40th birthday... aaahhhggg
3. I haven't dyed my hair or had a mani/pedi in over 2 years while TTC... not sure why I'm being so paranoid, but don't want to take any chances.  Luckily I don't have too many grey hairs... yet !  Might be the first thing I do if this cycle doesn't work out.
4. I love yoga and pilates... and recently discovered BodyBalance - great mix
5. Many years ago, I did a 10 day completely silent Buddhist meditation retreat (no talking, reading, writing, making eye contact with others and beautiful vegan food)... it was one of the most challenging and amazing things that I've ever done.  I thought I was going on a 'relaxation' retreat, but meditated over 10 hours/day from 4am.. it was tough but very soul enriching.
6. I'm one of five kids and my husband is one of four... both Catholic families and with many, many cousins... pity fertility doesn't run in our genes.
7. I would love to learn a second language... did French (and Latin !!) at school and would love to pick French up again.. or our daughter has a little Spanish class at kinder, so might learn that with her... or Cantonese, if she learns that at school
   
   
   ... now and for the nominees :

1. Hillary from Our Hopeful Life - Welcome to the Mueller Family
2. Rebecca from Trying not to scream
3. Marwil from Writing for Life
4. CCC from It was the best of times and the worst of times
5. Natasha from My Angel Baby... Aiden William
6. Molly from Everything Ebach
7. T from Almost There
8. Red Power Ranger from Infertilitee
9. CW from Life Begins
10. Mary from Viva La Vida
11. Lisa from The Pursuit of Pregnancy
12. Chickenpig from Better Full than Empty
13. Princess Wahna Bea Mama from The Princess and the Pee stick
14. My New Normal from Finding My New Normal
15. Leigh from My Hormonacoaster
16. Mary from Addison's Wings
17. Becky from Loving, Missing and Remembering my Loves Liam and Evelynn

... and a special mention to Suz from Segovia and Hope's Mama from Tuesday's Hope for being the first blogs that I ever read and so the ones that introduced me to a whole new world of support and love... then sparked my enthusiasm for starting my own blog... love and thanks to you both.

These are all dear blogging friends that have been with me since the early days of my blog, now almost 18 months ago.  They have been with me through thick and thin... always there with a hug, an inspirational word or a smile/laugh.  Most of them have welcomed/or are pregnant with their rainbow babies {after loss and/or IF} and their stories are an inspiration to me.  Thank you all for all your support along the way... and here with you every step of the way into the future.

As any of you who have seen my other award giving posts will know, I never really stick to the rules... I find it so hard to decide who to give it too b/c I want to give it to everyone.  So... I also want to extend this award to all those on my little blog lists {on my right side bar}.  To those who have recently experienced loss, my thoughts and heart are with you... to those who are in the TTC trenches with me, I send you lots of love and wishes that your next step will bring you closer to your dream bub... to those who have recently welcomed their rainbow bub, congratulations and love to you & your precious little one... to those who have recently got a BFP, congrats and wishes to you for a safe and peaceful pregnancy. 

There are so many others that I want to give an award to... thinking of you all and saving up my next list.  Thank you all so much for your gorgeous comments over the past few weeks... it's certainly been a roller coaster ride, but a relief to share it with you.  Your words of hope and wishes mean so much to me, when I'm struggling to find my own at the moment.

I'm a little behind on commenting (in the spirit of trying to stay distracted and busy over my 2WW)... so please bear with my while I catch-up.  My thoughts are with you all... and please take the award and pass it on to those blogs you love xoxo


PS. Updated b/c I realised that I'd put someone on twice and adjusting it... sorry to all those on RSS feed :(

Hope...

Is it possible to convince yourself of 'hope' ?... I've been trying to be peaceful all week after our transfer and have stayed reasonably optimistic.. and been pretty successful at keeping distracted {photos }.  But it feels as though something is missing ?

I've been wondering whether I've been 'doing' too much... or not enough.  I've been thinking about our little embie and trying to fill my uterus with love... but still felt as though something is not there.  Optimism is one thing... but hope is another.

True hope.  Hope that this cycle will work out.  Hope that there many be a little baby safely in our arms in 9 months.  Hope that something might finally go our way.

I have a positive feeling about this cycle... at least I'm trying to have one.  But I can't seem to reach genuine hope anymore.

Is it possible that almost 3 years of TTC for our precious little one... with the overwhelming grief of unexpectedly losing our Gabrielle, then battling secondary IF and over a year of IVF... this has all hardened me against being able to feel genuine hope.

My husband says that he feel the most hopeful he's ever felt... and keeps saying that he thinks this one is the 'strongest' one we've had transferred yet {day 5 blastocyst that the scientist said was 'good looking' and made it through PGD testing}... it was the first time that our FS ever referred to our frostie/s as ones for 2 years time, not next cycle.  Others around me have said that they have a 'very good feeling' about this one too.

But I can't feel that beautiful light of hope at the moment.

I'm trying... and I'm hoping optimism and peacefulness will melt into hope.  I keep waiting to feel that warm feeling in my heart where it's possible to actually picture the first ultrasound and beyond... genuine hope.

Is it possible to convince yourself of 'hope' ?  Can I just keep telling myself that it will happen ? Or am I just putting too much pressure on myself... as always.

Hope is such a precious thing... and I wonder whether these past 3 years have gradually immunised me against it.  After months of grieving the loss of our dear Gabrielle, I could feel it again at times as we started TTC again... then each BFN would wash it away for a few days.  Then starting IVF brought  a huge wave of hope, only to come crashing down with our first failed cycle.  Then each chemical pregnancy has been hard, but a sign that my body can do it but that we just needed a good embryo... but hope now feels beyond my reach.

We have that perfect little embie now... but am I just hardened against feeling hope ?  Does hope mean opening up your heart ?... and I can no longer allow myself that luxury, only to have it beaten shut when a BFN or AF arrives.

I'm trying... but maybe I just have to sit with optimism and peace for the moment.

PUPO... and one little frostie

I must say that {so far} I feel blissfully PUPO... peaceful... and trying to stay optimistic.  I often feel this way in week one of my 2WW... but am hoping that it lasts into week two - when I usually lose my nerve a little.

After not having had a transfer since December last year [ !! ],the main difference this time, is feeling a little over paranoid about every little thing I do, eat, think, move.... in a hopeful kind of way, but still paranoid.  For example, I realised yesterday, that I'd eaten a tiny bit of goats cheese on a pasta early last week... and already I'm wondering whether I've contracted Listeria and therefore pre-destined this cycle to fail without realising ?!?...

Sorry - did I say earlier that I was feeling peaceful ?  Well I guess that it's all relative in this warped ttc/ivf world where any minischule little issue may make the difference b/n success and failure - in my mind anyway.

I've been trying to take it quietly... and keep myself distracted.  I'm doing little things everyday to prevent myself from obsessing over something that I ultimately have no control over.... aka "project distraction".  It may be more difficult next week, but is going OK so far.

After we had our transfer on Tuesday, we met with the PGD nurse as-per-usual... and she went through all the 'things' to do/not do, gave us our beta form and wished us well... but something she said has stuck in my mind.  She said that we're very lucky to have gotten an embryo to transfer with PGD and that many go "cycle after cycle" with nothing to transfer.  The stats are not great with PGD for attrition after retrieval... heaps don't make it to day-4 testing... heaps don't make it through the testing process (b/c one cell is taken off)... and then many are genetically abnormal (which happens in nature too but we just don't see it under a microscope)...

... but once you have one to transfer the rate of BFPs is 50%... fifty percent.  Initially I was so relieved to hear that figure again... our FS had told us months ago, but I'd suppressed it in aftermath of our "nothing to transfer" cycle in January then the cyst-saga.  Fifty percent.

After my initial relief-elation that our chances are higher now that we've made it past transfer, I'm now feeling slightly "under pressure" to succeed.  And that if we get a BFN, I've somehow failed.... sorry - aren't I meant to be peaceful at the moment ?!?  It's a good figure, but I don't want it to add to the disappointment/guilt if this cycle doesn't workout.

On a brighter note, we got the call late yesterday to say that one of the 2 remaining "genetically normal" embryos {out of our three } was good to be frozen.  The scientist we spoke with at our transfer said that the 2 remaining ones initially looked a little slow to recover from the testing process... so they would continue to 'observe' them and only freeze them if they looked really good.

So we now have one "really good" one on ice... for another cycle, if this one doesn't work out... or in 2 years time - as our FS said on Tuesday [glad he's optimistic that this cycle will work].

Thank you all for your gorgeous comments... each and every one has helped keep my hope and optimism alive.  Your support and blogging friendship means so much to me... thank you again from the bottom of my heart xoxo

Our embryo transfer...

After 5 long days waiting... with no information from the clinic {except a text message yesterday to tell us what time our transfer was scheduled for today ! } we went in for our transfer this afternoon.

To say that I was nervous this morning is an under-statement !

I almost wrote a post this morning about waiting to hear whether our (possibly) last transfer ever was even going ahead.... but didn't to jinx myself. Last cycle the embryologist called us on day 4 to say how many were being tested... but this time there was no phone call....

... then I waited later this morning to see if our FS called to say that none were good enough to transfer. I waited... and waited.

Luckily I'd booked a pre-transfer acupuncture session... so could turn the phone off and distract myself with beautiful music.

Still no call by 1:45.... so I walked around to the clinic where we were told to check in my 2pm. I even let myself fill another script of Clexane {b/c I didn't want to jinx myself by getting that too early !}... then 'checked in' and waited again....

... the first thing I said to our FS when he called us in was "The suspense is killing me..." b/c I presumed that we had at least one viable embryo for them to let us get this far in the process.

Turns out that of the 19 eggs...
- 10 made it to day-4 PGD testing
- 3 were normal with one transferred today
- waiting to hear tomorrow whether the other 2 are good to freeze

So one gorgeous little embie is with me now... and hopefully snuggling in after my post-transfer acupuncture {gorgeous view from their waiting room on my FB page}.

I'm feeling more hopeful than I have in months... and the closest to being 'pregnant' that I've been in a long time. Our beta is on Monday 11th June... and going to try staying busy, positive and 'in the present' for this 2WW.

Thank you all for your gorgeous words of support and love over the past few days... it has meant so much to me... Love to you all xoxo


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Making my peace #6... with 'that' building

This will be the last in my little series... unless I think of another issue that I want to release along the way.  Thank you all for hearing me out and being here with me to hear moments that have hung around with me for so long.

There is a building that I still cring to pass... but unfortunately it's on a main road that I need to pass to and from many places that I need to go.  I used to detour around it... then I would just turn away as I drove past... now I can look at it but still catch my breathe.

It was the building where we found out the news that changed our life forever.

It was the building where I heard those words... "Sorry... but your baby no longer has a heartbeat."

I don't know why that place still has such a hold on me.  Sometimes I can vividly remember walking back to the car in a trance.  Unable to breath.  Unable to know what to think.  All those months ago.

I still can picture walking in there with so much hope for our 20 week scan... and walking out as though dark clouds were consuming us.

I need to make peace with that building b/c maybe I'll need to return there one day for pregnancy scans... if it's where our OB wants us to go - b/c it's the best place with the best staff and the best equipment - I'll go.  But if I have a choice, I'll probably continue to avoid it.

That building will forever be a black hole of emotion for me.  I made peace with the hospital where I delivered her long ago, b/c my OB works there and I work nearby... so there was no choice and it got easier with time.

But this building is different... I somehow can't let go but need to make my peace now.

It's only a building after all.

Right where I am 2012 : 2 years, 3 months and 2 weeks... and making my peace #5... with the day before

Thank you all so much for your gorgeous comments after my retrieval yesterday... I'm so happy that we got such an unexpectedly good result, but am very very sore today and trying not to get my hopes up too high for a good fertilisation result... then PGD result.

If I've learnt nothing else over this 18 months or so of IVF, it's that there are so many unexpected twists and turns that are completely beyond my control... and that while PGD may end up increasing our chances, there is a HUGE drop off in the fertilisation.testing process.  But for today... I'm relieved and trying to rest up.

I had wanted to finish my little series of 'making peace' with moments in my life that may be holding me back before my transfer (hopefully) on Tuesday... to clear the air a little more and open my heart up to the possibility of another child... hocus-pocus stuff I know, but it helps me to get it out.  Anyway... there is only one more to go after this one.

Plus I also want to link up with Angie's Right Where I Am project... talking about where we are in our grief journey.  I joined in last year and think it's such a beautiful idea of hers... thank you Angie.

In making my peace, this on is a difficult one... I still have moments when I think of the days before we found out that Gabrielle had passed away.  I know that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent her death... but it still haunts me.

I had an intuitive feeling that something wasn't right.  I thought I could still feel her moving... I didn't have any pain or bleeding... there was nothing objectively wrong.  But I had a bad feeling.  Something didn't feel right... I'd had a UTI the week beforehand, so I thought it was just that clearing up.

I even went over in my mind a few times calling our OB... but every time I didn't, because there was nothing to ask him about and nothing different to report.  I thought of calling him to ask for a scan to "check" everything was OK... but I had a full scan already booked for the following day, so thought he would just reassure me to attend that scan.

There was nothing different.  But I had a bad feeling.  I kept busy... I baked... I played games with our toddler... I did all sorts of things to distract myself... but I still had a bad feeling.  That day is still vivid in my mind.

Would calling have made any difference ?  No... the clotting that caused her death would probably not have been picked up and no-one could ever have know what would happen - after all, my first pregnancy was blissfully uneventfully normal.

I need to make peace with not calling and not saying anything... b/c the guilt has hurt for all this time.  I guess it's wrapped up in the guilt of not being able to protect her as her mum... and not being able to know what to do to save her.

The burden that this guilt has over me has certainly lessened over time... and my love for her, and the beauty that she's brought to our life, has certainly outweighed the pain with time, but the thought that maybe I could have prevented what happened by calling still creeps in sometimes.

I am more at peace with my guilt than I ever have been before... and in terms of where I am right now, I can see the light and love that she's brought to us.  Someone said to me early on in my journey, that one day I might see her little life as a gift.  I can remember thinking that this person was crazy... but as every day get further and further from her birth-day, I can see what they mean more and more.

I've cried though the idea that I just want her back... I've cried through each angel-versary... I've wished that we can turn back the clocks.... I've hidden myself from the world at times... I've spoken her name and told her story, even when I've wondered whether others IRL are uncomfortable... and I've remembered her always....

.... but I can now see the beauty in small things... hear the birds sing through the petty stressors in life.... see the sparkle in the cold dewing mornings when I used to grumble about having to get up early... I no longer worry about the trivial things in life... I can see the radiance in the simple things...

and, believe that even though it's been hard on her, I've been a more open-hearted, compassionate, patient and devoted mum to our 3 y/o daughter than I may have been otherwise.

This past year, I've seen all the things that Gabrielle's little life has taught me... and I feel so much more at peace about where I am this year.